Deutsches Keksi
Bastard Operator from Hell Excuses:
/dev/clue was linked to /dev/null
Art:
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
work:
When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy:
"It was real. At least, if it wasn't real, it did support
them, and as that is what sofas are supposed to do, this,
by any test that mattered, was a real sofa. "
futurama:
Fry: So, there's an infinite number of parallel universes?
Professor: No, just the two.
Fry: Oh, well, I'm sure that's enough.
drugs:
If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
cookie:
"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
then we are a sorry lot indeed."
-- Albert Einstein
definitions:
Consensus Terrorism:
The process that decides in-office attitudes and behavior.
-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated
Culture"
computers:
This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
calvin:
It takes an uncommon mind to think of these things.
--- Calvin
pets:
Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
-- R. Heinlein
humorix-misc:
Yo-yo operating system = WinNT: it goes up..., it goes down..., it goes...
-- From a Slashdot.org post
paradoxum:
I tripped over a hole that was sticking up out of the ground.
literature:
Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long
as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks
into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is
a matter of discretion.
-- Corwin, Prince of Amber
humorists:
The Three Major Kind of Tools
* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
bludgeons, and truncheons.)
* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
(Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
medicine:
At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
room, over to the man's bedisde and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
gently!"
The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
guess who's going to die soon!"
riddles:
Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
fortunes:
simpsons chalkboard:
I WILL NOT HIDE BEHIND THE FIFTH AMENDMENT
I WILL NOT HIDE BEHIND THE FIFTH AMENDMENT
I WILL NOT HIDE BEHIND THE FIFTH AMENDMENT
I WILL NOT HIDE BEHIND THE FIFTH AMENDMENT
Bart Simpson on chalkboard in episode 7F18
bofh-excuses:
Processes running slowly due to weak power supply
definitions:
Penguin Trivia #46:
Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
education:
[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
a complete set.
-- Ring Lardner
ethnic:
For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
-- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
Food:
Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
-- E.W. Howe
goedel:
If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
humorists:
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
-- Steven Wright
humorix-stories:
This telethon isn't just about helping disenfranchised geeks. We're
also here for the betterment of mankind through our research into finding
a Cure for Windows.
Each day, millions of man-hours are wasted due to design flaws in
Microsoft Windows. Each day, millions of dollars are sent by business and
individuals like yourself into a huge black hole known as "Microsoft" for
exorbitantly priced software products that should be free.
But don't worry. We've almost found a Cure for Windows. Geeks worldwide
have toiled endlessly for the past eight years working on a replacement
operating system called Linux. It's almost ready. Now we need to convince
the world to use our creation and eliminate the virus known as Windows.
-- Excerpt from Eric S. Raymond's speech during the Geek Grok '99
telethon held in Silicon Valley
Kernel Newbies:
Dave I can produce equivalently valid microbenchmarks showing Linux works
much better with the scheduler disabled. They are worth about as much as
your benchmarks for that optimisation and they likewise ignore a slightly
important object known as "the big picture"
- Alan Cox on linux-kernel
Kids:
Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look like you ...
-- Gilda Radner
Knghtbrd:
Internet censorship. Because your children need to be
protected from naked women, medical procedures, diverse
cultures, and violent video games.
(but information on building bombs, stealing cable, and
manufacturing drugs is okay...)
Law:
The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
men and women.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
Linux Cookie:
Linux is obsolete
(Andrew Tanenbaum)
Linux:
(I tried to get some documentation out of Digital on this, but as far as
I can tell even _they_ don't have it ;-)
-- Linus Torvalds, in an article on a dnserver
Literature:
Small things make base men proud.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Love:
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
Magic:
The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
miscellaneous:
No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
News:
"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
"NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
"I'll put `maybe.'"
-- Bloom County
OS Fortune:
"It is a relief and a joy when I see a regiment of hackers digging in to hold the line, and I realize, this city may survive--for now."
-- Richard Stallman (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)
People:
The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
platitudes:
42
Perl:
Magically turning people's old scalar contexts into list contexts is a
recipe for several kinds of disaster.
-- Larry Wall in <199709291631.JAA08648@wall.org>
Science:
There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
even highly probable.
-- H.L. Mencken, 1930
Politics:
He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
-- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
Songs & Poems:
"Twas bergen and the eirie road
Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
Long time the folsom foe he sought
Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
Came whippany through the englewood,
One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
and through
The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
He caldwell in his joy.
Did mahwah into patterson:
All jersey were the ocean groves,
And the red bank bayonne.
-- Paul Kieffer
Sports:
A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
Zippy:
... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
Startrek:
Witch! Witch! They'll burn ya!
-- Hag, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate unknown
translate-me:
Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
[ Better late than never ]
Wisdom:
Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.
-- Buckaroo Bonzai
Tao:
My words are easy to understand and easy to perform,
Yet no man under heaven knows them or practices them.
My words have ancient beginnings.
My actions are disciplined.
Because men do not understand, they have no knowledge of me.
Those that know me are few;
Those that abuse me are honored.
Therefore the sage wears rough clothing and holds the jewel in his heart.
root{(at)}optix.io
