Deutsches Keksi
Bastard Operator from Hell Excuses:
/dev/clue was linked to /dev/null
Art:
Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty feet.
-- John Cheever
work:
But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a
brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and
lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the
phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where
it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's
greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company.
Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit:
the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then
immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is
the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.
This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of
electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few
customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the
last year any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937;
the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is
why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy:
"`Er, hey Earthman...'
`Arthur,' said Arthur.
`Yeah, could you just sort of keep this robot with you and
guard this end of the passageway. OK?'
`Guard?' said Arthur. `What from? You just said there's no
one here.'
`Yeah, well, just for safety, OK?' said Zaphod.
`Whose? Yours or mine?'"
- Arthur drawing the short straw on Magrathea.
futurama:
Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot?
Professor: No. Why would I know that?
drugs:
Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't make you live longer --
it just seems that way.
cookie:
"Emergency!" Sgiggs screamed, ejecting himself from the tub like it was
a burning car. "Dial 'one'! Get room service! Code red!" Stiggs was on
the phone immediately, ordering more rose blossoms, because, according to
him, the ones floating in the tub had suddenly lost their smell. "I demand
smell," he shrilled. "I expecting total uninterrupted smell from these
f*cking roses."
Unfortunately, the service captain didn't realize that the Stiggs situation
involved fifty roses. "What am I going to do with this?" Stiggs sneered at
the weaseling hotel goon when he appeared at our door holding a single flower
floating in a brandy glass. Stiggs's tirade was great. "Do you see this
bathtub? Do you notice any difference between the size of the tub and the
size of that spindly wad of petals in your hand? I need total bath coverage.
I need a completely solid layer of roses all around me like puffing factories
of smell, attacking me with their smell and power-ramming big stinking
concentrations of rose odor up my nostrils until I'm wasted with pleasure."
It wasn't long before we got so dissatisfied with this incompetence that we
bolted.
-- The Utterly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs,
National Lampoon, October 1982
definitions:
pain, n.:
One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
computers:
As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
efficient test cases will usually be available.
-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
calvin:
"If we wanted more leisure, we'd invent machines that do things less
efficiently." -Calvin's dad
pets:
The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
-- C. Schulz
humorix-misc:
Slight disorientation after prolonged system uptime is normal for new Linux
users. Please do not adjust your browser.
-- From a Slashdot.org post
paradoxum:
The scene is dull. Tell him to put more life into his dying.
-Samuel Goldwyn
literature:
The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
out on the water, round. Usurper.
-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
humorists:
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
-- Steven Wright
medicine:
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
-- Ingrid Bergman
riddles:
Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
fortunes:
Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
simpsons chalkboard:
I WILL NOT GREASE THE MONKEY BARS
I WILL NOT GREASE THE MONKEY BARS
I WILL NOT GREASE THE MONKEY BARS
I WILL NOT GREASE THE MONKEY BARS
Bart Simpson on chalkboard in episode 7F17
bofh-excuses:
Borg nanites have infested the server
definitions:
work, n.:
The blessed respite from screaming kids and
soap operas for which you actually get paid.
education:
Learning without thought is labor lost;
thought without learning is perilous.
-- Confucius
ethnic:
The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see fit to create Frenchmen
in the image of Englishmen.
-- Winston Churchill, 1942
Food:
Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
goedel:
This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
humorists:
Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often
wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
they wanted to be.
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
humorix-stories:
Humorix Holiday Gift Idea #7
Bluescreen Computer Case
US$27.97 at Bud's Beige Box Bazaar
Real Geeks may not admit to using Windows, but there's still countless geeks
out there who must suffer through the humiliation of using Windows while at
work. The patent-not-pending Bluescreen Case, though, will ease the stress of
working with Microsoft "solutions".
This computer case is very similar to other beige boxes, but with one
important difference: the reboot button is covered with a picture of Bill
Gates. When the machine bluescreens for the millionth time, all you have to do
is punch Bill Gates in the face as hard as you can, and the computer will
restart. This provides invaluable therapeutic stress relief.
Kernel Newbies:
Richard B. Johnson wrote:
> The 'C' language can order structure members anyway it wants.
You are an idiot.
- Rusty Russell on linux-kernel
Kids:
Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
When are you going to grow up?
I'm only doing this for your own good.
Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
cry about.
What's wrong with you?
Someday you'll thank me for this.
You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
Don't you have any sense at all?
If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
Why? Because I said so.
I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
Knghtbrd:
CosmicRay: you complete me
err...
heh
* BenC goes back to coding
* elmo looks at benc
something we should know about you and cosmicray, Ben? :)
Law:
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an
affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting
few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be
better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
Linux Cookie:
"I'm an idiot.. At least this one [bug] took about 5 minutes to find.."
(Linus Torvalds in response to a bug report.)
> I'm an idiot.. At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find..
Disquieting ...
(Gonzalo Tornaria in response to Linus Torvalds's mailing about a kernel bug.)
> I'm an idiot.. At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find..
We need to find some new terms to describe the rest of us mere mortals
then.
(Craig Schlenter in response to Linus Torvalds's mailing about a kernel bug.)
> I'm an idiot.. At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find..
Surely, Linus is talking about the kind of idiocy that others aspire to :-).
(Bruce Perens in response to Linus Torvalds's mailing about a kernel bug.)
Linux:
You will not censor me through bug terrorism.
-- James Troup
Literature:
Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
-- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
Love:
Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were a turn-on?
-- "Broadcast News"
Magic:
Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, for they are subtle and
quick to anger.
miscellaneous:
"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."
-- Ronald Mabbitt
News:
In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
-- Frank Mankiewicz
OS Fortune:
"The open-source approach is not a magic bullet for every type of software development project."
-- Brian Behlendorf on OSS (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)
People:
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.
-- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
platitudes:
Don't get even -- get odd!
Perl:
I think it's a new feature. Don't tell anyone it was an accident. :-)
-- Larry Wall on s/foo/bar/eieio in <10911@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>
Science:
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Politics:
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
freedom and liberty.
-- Henrik Ibsen
Songs & Poems:
To A Quick Young Fox
Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp--
Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
-- Lazy Dog
Sports:
I've only got 12 cards.
Zippy:
Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a
HIGHBALL?? ...
Startrek:
Oblivion together does not frighten me, beloved.
-- Thalassa (in Anne Mulhall's body), "Return to Tomorrow",
stardate 4770.3.
translate-me:
Hodie natus est radici frater.
[ Unto the root is born a brother ]
Wisdom:
When the wind is great, bow before it;
when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
Tao:
Those who know do not talk.
Those who talk do not know.
Keep your mouth closed.
Guard your senses.
Temper your sharpness.
Simplify your problems.
Mask your brightness.
Be at one with the dust of the Earth.
This is primal union.
He who has achieved this state
Is unconcerned with friends and enemies,
With good and harm, with honor and disgrace.
This therefore is the highest state of man.
root{(at)}optix.io
